eff you universe!

written by: cyn
wednesday 7am

i’m typically a “the glass is half full type” — even if i have to lie to myself i generally, until proven otherwise, see the better in most situations.
well let’s just say that as of this moment i hate the planet.

remember my post about my alleged (yes i said alleged) spider bite?
well i had a follow up visit with the nurse practitioner that i see last thursday, and against my better judgement, i was told that it seemed to be fine and not to worry.
i told her flat out that i felt that the “bite site” hadn’t fully healed and was probably dormant.
she disagreed and being that she is the expert and i am but a mere MA student i caved into what i felt in my heart wasn’t right.

it is times like these that i hate being right.
just like before my initial trip to the ER when i had biked a little over four miles the day before — running this past sunday clearly took my dormant issue and made it resurface.

after i wrote my blog post yesterday i got into the shower to get ready for school and noticed that the same exact area on my leg was red again. not as red as the day i went into the ER but red nonetheless and warm to the touch.
now i am livid.

to make a long story short — after basically making a scene and INSISTING that i be scene by my NP yesterday despite being told that she had no appointments — i did get in to see her around 11:30 am.
well, what i thought was her.
i had actually been scheduled to see one of the doctors in the practice — ironically the same one my NP basically answers to.

so i am seen and at first the doctor basically tells me she is not even sure what she is looking at — in other words she is insinuating there is nothing there.
granted the area is not as red as it was 6-8 weeks ago but COME ON — i can clearly see the outline of the red area and it’s kinda bullshit that i literally have to point it out to the doctor!

then she asks me if i shave my bikini area regularly and if i change my razors regularly.
A. the area that is red is on my upper thigh and hip area NOT my bikini area — that is where the initial bite/bump/what-the-fuck-ever was that is now barely visible unless i point it out!
B. did you just basically say i am some nasty bitch who has hygiene issues!?!?!?!

now i am just pissed.
i am just done NOT knowing what is going on with my body.
and yes, i went a little redhead on their asses.
i was polite but VERY firm.
i have learned in school about being an advocate for my patients and it was time i stood up and was an advocate for myself.
so i basically told them they were NOT putting me on another antibiotic until they could tell me what is wrong.
how the fuck can you treat what you don’t fucking know!?!?!
i insisted on blood work — a white blood cell count and a lyme disease test.
i was told it probably wasn’t lyme disease and it probably isn’t — but come on at least rule it out!
so now i am not so patiently waiting for results.
i should hear something about the WBC count today and possibly a preliminary on the lyme that needs to be confirmed — although the phlebotomist disagreed and said at least a week before i hear anything.

as i said, i am not totally convinced it’s lyme but if it is — i am going to go mental.
the treatment for that is 10-21 day regimen of antibiotics and my body ALWAYS reacts badly to just about every antibiotic known to man.
the thought of spending the next possible three weeks nauseated and fatigued is just heartbreaking.

i am most upset that my whole situation has been treated like i have some minor skin rash and i have been told not to worry when clearly i should be concerned.
this has been going on for almost two months — i should NOT be right back in the exact situation that brought me to the ER in the first place.
i feel as though my care has been half-assed at best.

i thank god for my teachers who have given me such great advice including the one to stand my ground, not to be intimated by people who you assume know more than you do, and to be your own ass-kicking advocate!
sound advice that every person should listen to!
the doctor doesn’t always get it right people!
i am the prime example of that!

wish me luck and pray it’s not lyme — i don’t want to deal with the issue and potentially kill people who have let me suffer with it unnecessarily for as long as i have!

peace, love and margaritas

oh hai

written by: cyn
tuesday 7am

funny-pictures-oh-hai-buggood morning peeps!

gahhhh… i have totally slacked at this blogging (amongst other) things AGAIN!
life has been a bit on the chaotic side (ain’t it always?) and well… this blog always seems to take a back seat.

besides being chaotic — things are good.
despite my BOLD claims and whole “INSPIRATION” post i made last, i did NOT get back on the health wagon until this past sunday.
i could beat myself up about that — but i won’t.
i am trying like hell to get on track NOW and really, that’s all that matters!

11912980_10206192477268952_591680834_ni did actually make it the gym this past sunday and RUN too! well — i am doing the couch to 10k app so there was more walking than running technically — but there was indeed some running happening and that is the first time since MAY that has happened — so yay me!

the pineapple diet

the pineapple diet

dean and i are on a pretty intense detox “diet” for five days (started yesterday) so i am dealing with that.
food wise — i’m golden.
lack of coffeewise — i’m a raging evil BITCH!
i caved — i am drinking coffee as i type.
yeah, i made one measly day and said “fuck this shit!
i love my coffee…



i gave up meat and my beloved cheese like it was nothing when i was vegan — but coffee is my weakness.
i clearly cannot live without it and have a pretty unhealthy obsessive relationship with it!
otherwise than my cup of love in the morning — i am sticking to the “diet“.
yes mono diets are bad — i know this.
but this is for detoxing and jumpstarting a healthy regime only.
we may do it next monday-friday again just to really get in the groove because both of us have fallen so far off the wagon we can’t even see the damn thing!

in other news:
i made ALL A’s last mod at school!11873959_10206142793266883_1843825032_n
i worked hard and frankly — i earned every single one of these A’s!
last mod was pretty smooth — this one is still hard to tell and believe it or not we are almost half-way done with it.

when i signed up for school i thought a year was a significant amount of time to devote to this — but wow, it’s really going by fast. i am literally just a few weeks away from hitting the halfway mark!

besides things pertaining directly to me…
all is well.

my sweet girl

my sweet girl

skylar is in vermont (AGAIN!) until saturday and i gotta admit that i am happy this is her last long trip away from me.
i miss her terribly and feel like i have barely seen her all summer!
(well, because i haven’t… ugh!)
she starts first grade in exactly one week!
and cameron starts high school!
egads — please be kind to me time — i don’t want our kiddos growing up so damn fast!

we have plans to have a girlie beach day this sunday!
sky, myself and my mom!
we are pretty stoked about that as it’s the first time we’ve made it the beach ALL SUMMER!
yup, i live in a state surrounded with some of the most beautiful beaches in the country and hell if i have seen any all summer.
just pray that i don’t have a test on monday and spend my entire afternoon there glued to quizlet studying!

well i guess that sums it up as far as a quickie post/update goes.
i gotta get motivated anywho… test today and i am sitting here in my bathrode with a towel on my head like i got nada to do!

hope all is well out there and everyone is livin’ la vida loca!

peace, love and margaritas,


written by: cyn
saturday 1pm

not withstanding the spider bite from hell… i have been trying really hard to get back on track.
THE bite set me back as i was instructed NOT to workout due to heavy activity can actually help some infections spread. (as if my whole upper thigh, upper cooch region and literally half my ass wasn’t big enough!?!?!)

sorry, that slipped!

but i have been trying to eat better this past week or so.
limiting portions, trying to add more fruits and veggies, making better choices, yadda yadda.
well, when we were doing our vitals (weight, height, BP, pulse, etc) yesterday in my clinical class i was down FOUR POINT SIX pounds since the last time i weighed in a couple of weeks or so!
yay me!

and now that THE bite is getting better and not looking like i may need a thigh/cooch/ass amputation — i am feeling ready to get moving and adding exercise to the mix!
if i wasn’t eyeball deep in studying for finals on monday — i’d be there RIGHT now!

at any rate — here are some of my favorite motivation meme’s and pics i have pinned via Pinterest lately!
(no,i am not giving link credit — i find most to be bogus anyhow and well, i just don’t give a shit!)

then i found this circuit workout on Pinterest as well — seems like a nice beginner workout to get back into the swing of things?4983311a52429998d728dcf6bf3a4526
i am so painfully out of shape — and it’s sad to think that just a little over a year ago i ran TWO half marathons!
but not belly-aching — time to shut up about it and move the fuck on!

starting monday i am BACK to making exercise a priority!
i have no excuses because my last final tests are on monday and sky left for vermont just as hour ago for ten days — it’s NOW or never!
who’s with me?

peace, love and margaritas,

when life gives you lemons — make limoncello!

written by: cyn
saturday 9am

with my lapse in blogging and EVERYTHING else chaotic going on in my world, i haven’t had the chance to really update on the ongoings of my life — especially with my kiddos.

my heart -- my daughter!

my heart — my daughter!

if you’ve followed my blog for awhile, you know the relationship between my daughter’s father and i has for the most part been very civil — but there have been occasions of UTTER HELL!

i won’t get into the details of it — as it would take a novel and a half — but recently he decided to leave his life here in rhode island behind and move to vermont (about four hours away) to move in with someone he met a few months ago.
i will leave it at that as clearly my opinion of such a decision is irrelevant.

honestly… i don’t give a fuck what he does in his personal life.
all i have ever cared is how it affects our daughter.
and obviously moving four hours away from her was VERY upsetting for me and for her.
but i will say this much, oddly enough, she sees him more than she EVER has.
granted it’s summertime and he’s currently not working (literally stopping myself from typing my opinion on that — but i will say this much, no child support is coming in and that sadly hurts us financially) so he can take her for extended periods of time.
she’s been at his/their/whatever house in vermont just about every other week all summer long.
as a matter of fact, she is leaving today around noon and going for TEN DAYS!

this face !

this face !

am i happy about this situation…?
hell to the fucking no.
i want my daughter in RI — fifteen minutes away — and always within my relative reach.
but per usual, i compromise and relent and cave to situations i sometimes hate because that is what i need to do to keep her life semi normal, and like it or not, she adores her father.

sky at my school the other day!

sky at my school the other day!

once school starts — i don’t know how this is all going to play out?
he swears to me that he will continue to see her every other weekend but i cannot help but worry about how an EIGHT HOUR round trip in the course of a weekend is going to affect them all — especially my six year old child!?!?!

nothing is every easy, is it?

he swears he’s met his *soulmate* and moving heaven and earth (literally) to be with this woman is what he needs to do to finally have a happy life and make a good life for skylar.
i suppose anyone is entitled to that.
and like i said, he has held up to his insistence that he will continue to see her.
i wish i didn’t have that “waiting for the other shoe to drop” mentality, but i do.

truly, that is all i care about.

i don’t care if he moves to timbuktu — as long as it doesn’t destroy my little girl!

my gorgeous daughter!

my gorgeous daughter!

have any of you ever dealt with your ex/baby daddy/whatever moving to another state or some distance away?
how did you handle it?
how did you not hire a hitman? (snort, kidding, kinda.)
how did you not become a total alcoholic while your child/ren were miles away?
this is so new to me — i feel lost and like i have just given in and it makes me feel completely taken advantage of and defeated!
i keep telling myself its for skylar’s happiness — but why am i so miserable/sad about it all????

peace, love and margaritas,

when all else fails, there’s always tequila!

written by: cyn
thursday 3pm


holy shoot me now…
thanks to that hellacious storm we had here and missing two days of school this week due to the extensive power outages — I AM IN HELL!

this should be me!

this should be me!

the type of hell that only a full bottle of tequila, one lime, a shaker of salt, me alone in a dark room with “woe is me” music playing will help…

definitely TEQUILA!

definitely TEQUILA!

2440fcffb552559543f57f015c14a619this is our “finals week” for the current mod we are in now at school.
our classes run every six weeks and this current mod ends monday.
the end of the mod is always utter chaos… but missing two days right smack dab in the middle of it has just increased the insanity level to MACH FIVE!
we’ve missed out on precious lecture time, review for final tests, and basic catch-up on anything we’re lagging on.
because internet access has been limited — and i use it like a fiend to do my homework and study — i am wicked behind on my written homework.
i technically am in the midst of trying to get a handle on it — but of course had to stop to come over here and bitch/vent a little.

as i wrote before — i knew this would be hard, but it has proven way harder than i ever anticipated and throw a wrench in it with missing two days in a row and well… i feel like the only solution is bottle of a highly intoxicating liquor.aa230311aa5b265260f23a8353085586

the ONLY saving grace is that one teacher has graciously offered us “open book” tests for our finals (three mind you) in her classes.
yes, that is an IMMENSE help, but it’s a vast amount of information in these chapters — so i need to be somewhat prepared and at least know my way around the chapter if i want to do well.
an “open book” test isn’t always an ace in the hole!

so two finals tomorrow…
and three on monday…
i may or may not survive?

oh and i got my schedule for next mod and because i switched a class two mods ago i have ultimately fucked myself. there is no classes available for the 8-9 period that apply to my course of study.
sure — it’s kinda nice thinking i won’t have to be in until 9 — but this also screws up my potential graduation date and sorry but this bitch is NOT going past my scheduled time to finish in late March 2016!

it’s looking like i might take two night courses.
*le sigh*
i can catch up and take the class i missed when i switched (stupid bitch that i am!) and actually get ahead of the game and take an additional class so i am not in this predicament again!
six full time classes — two of which are at night — is no joke… but it’s looking like i have no other choice.

note to self: leave well enough alone next time!

so yeah, i am in utter chaos/panic mode and not exactly the most ideal person to be around at the moment (and probably not until 1pm on monday)!e45fd28290ddf72501f064d75b5eb04a
but this too shall pass, right?ad1ea489daeda0af0a16fea188c87452
well fuck, pass the tequila!

peace, love and margaritas,

chaos and the spider from hell…

written by: cyn
wednesday 10:30am

let me start by saying that we survived the hellacious storm that pummeled new england (mainly RI and MA) yesterday. i have seen A LOT of storms in my day — especially being a southern mississippi transplant — but that storm was by far the scariest 15-20 minutes of my life. i watched our metal awning staked into the ground lift into the air, crumple like tin foil, and blow around my yard like a paper bag and nearly right through our french door that leads onto our deck. in comparison to the damage i have seen via social media and the news, our awning and strewn lawn furniture is a cake walk — so we are VERY lucky! we did lose power for about 24 hours (give or take) but even that is livable. there are about 50,000 people in this state still without power — so once again, we are lucky!

11827224_10206065123805195_400864133_omy mom had half of her neighbors tree break and land in her yard and nearly take out the deck of her pool. unfortunate and a pain in the ass, but there again, she is lucky! and she only lost power for about five hours…
this storm made hurricane sandy look like a sprinkle and it was only 20 minutes long TOPS! an hour later the sun was blazing and it turned into a beautiful day.
mother nature is wonderful crazy bitch NO DOUBT!

moving along…

i’d like to think of myself as pretty nice person who feels pretty in touch with mother nature (despite her raging hormonal crazy bitch self).
other than snakes — i feel no need to impede on most critters in the wild.
as long as they keep their distance, we’re cool.
matter of fact a month or so ago, while at school, a gal in another class stood at one end of a long hallway begging me to squash a spider (the thing was barely visible mind you) and i refused to do it.
not that i love spiders per say, but i felt killing a otherwise harmless spider was certainly bad karma!
i take that back.
i should have squashed that mother fucker.

4b14fd21c4da06392b4c74241d7521d5fast forward a week after my gallant gesture of NOT murdering the spider and i notice one morning that i have a pretty nasty bug bite right in my bikini area… the exact spot where panties or a bathing suit would fall on my left leg to be precise.
i don’t think much of it but it did seem rather large and “weird” looking.
the next day it looked worse!
but i am figuring that based on the precariously location, and the obvious “rubbing” effect, that i should expect it to look even more “off”.
(says the medical assisting student who KNOWS BETTER than to diagnose herself.)
within a few days it’s beginning to look better but never really goes away.

505814ef313cb67f1467b0f7d3e75910then a little over a week ago, while at the pool, my mom asks why my leg is so red?
i say “oh that damn spider bite”! (i assume spider because i have had a reaction to them in the past and it never was itchy.)
but she points out that it’s not just the bite area — it’s now my upper hip/thigh area.
low and behold, she is right.
a much bigger area, which is now red, raised and a wee warm to the touch.
she insists i get it checked out — i agree, and we go about our day.
i had school the next morning, so my plan was to go to the walk-in immediately after school let out at 1pm.
but THEN, while in the shower, i notice that the area is even BIGGER, MORE RED, MORE RAISED, and EVEN WARMER TO THE TOUCH.
now i am worried.13774c9537b3970c12e82d128c0c1a00

i call dean at work and tell him what’s going on and that i think i should skip the walk-in and head straight to the ER.
he says he’s leaving work and to wait until he gets home, which i do.
he walks in, i show him the area, and his immediate reaction is “get in the car NOW!”
yeah… it was THAT bad.

i get to the ER — i am seen almost immediately — and it is determined that i have cellulitis due to the spider bite!

Cellulitis: A spreading bacterial infection underneath the skin surface characterized by redness, warmth, swelling, and pain. Cellulitis commonly appears in areas where there is a break in the skin.

this is basically a staph infection and if not treated quite serious.
and all from a FUCKING spider!

38364bec24dc9fdee67ba49bb696dc84i was put on a high dose of pretty powerful antibiotics for ten days (just finished them this past sunday) and sent home with strict instructions to basically lay around for a few days, as activity makes the infection spread.  (whoops — did i mention i had rode a wee over four miles on my bike the day before, which no doubt aggravated it!)

so now the huge read area is indeed gone and better — but dammit if the initial bite area isn’t still lingering around!?!?! never in my life have i had something like this? i am not in pain, discomfort (other than when i was on the antibiotics and they always make me nauseated) and other than the bite still looking a bit red and dark — i am fine?

of course i will be monitoring it like mad and i do have a follow up next week — but ugh!!!!

in closing let me share this lovely quote via the addams family, morticia in particular…il_fullxfull.552308315_qmac
lovely and true but…
fuck you spider…
fuck your “normal”
and fuck the chaos it ensues!
i am now your mortal enemy!

peace, love and margaritas,

the truth shall set you free…

written by: cyn
wednesday 4pm


so i know it’s been awhile since i blogged faithfully, and i am honestly still struggling with the whole idea of being a “regular” blogger again, but i thought i would start the process by sharing some truths i have come to realize since i last was one of them there “regular” bloggers!

11164077_10205735171836602_1073351626_ntruth: going back to school is farkin’ hard!
i don’t care what subject you are studying, where you are studying, or whether you are a full or part-time student… the truth is, this shit is NO JOKE!
i knew i was making a HUGE commitment and please know it is NOT one i regret in the least, BUT…
this shit is not for the weak.
and my program (registered medical assistant) is VERY intense!
i go to school from 8am – 1pm, monday – friday, and attend FIVE classes a day.
currently i take medical terminology, two clinical classes, anatomy & physiology and a medical assisting class (the administrative portion of my profession-to-be).
i spend an average of 1-2 hours (sometimes wayyyyyyy more) a night doing homework and studying — which in a house with five people can be tricky to say the least.
yes, i may be attending a “tech school” but do not think for a second that i am not receiving a university level education.
for all intense purposes — at this juncture of my education — i feel as though i am at LEAST working as hard as someone trying to get their pre-requisites for nursing school, if not harder.
then again, it’s been a million years since i took a college course and certainly not with a family of six to worry about.

truth: i farkin’ LOVE school!
yes, it’s intense, and hard, and crazy, and because i go with mostly women — dramarama town sometimes, but i LOVE it!
i love my teachers.
i love my fellow students.
i love the subject matter.
i just love it!


rockin' some scrubs

rockin’ some scrubs

wearing scrubs is da-shit!
seriously, it is like wearing pajamas to school every day!
i read something recently written by a nurse who said she stopped wearing waist-tie scrubs because after a few months of basically living and working in what is essentially PJ’s — none of her clothes fit!
i’m pushing maximum capacity in the clothes i can fit into now – ain’t nobody got time or the funds for DAT!
which brings me to my next truth!

truth: i caught a reflection (poor as it may have been) of myself in our 55″ TV and didn’t recognize myself.
yeah, i gained this 25-30 lbs (depends on the day) over a year ago and at least i can say that i have maintained and not let the added pounds double — but the truth is — i am SO uncomfortable with myself at this weight.

truth: i weigh 195-200 lbs.
that was hard to admit — never mind type somewhere that ANYONE can read it.
but it’s the truth.
11541250_10205696923480417_2019072090_nin one of my clinical classes at school we’ve learned to take vitals — blood pressure, respiration, pulse, etc. also part of that particular clinical is learning how to properly weigh and measure a patient on a good old fashioned medical floor scale (if it has a technical medical name — hell if i know it!). you know the kind that is calibrated and PAINFULLY accurate.
not that i wasn’t aware of the ballpark of what i weigh.
trust me — I KNOW!
but part of our training is practicing all of these clinical procedures on other students and of course having them practiced on you.
i’m 5’7 1/2″ — clearly i am not going to weigh 100 lbs and honestly, i am not overly embarrassed about being weighed by my fellow students.
but gah… day after day and well… reality sets in and you literally have to face the fact that not only are you at a uncomfortable (and unhealthy) weight — but truth is — YOU LOOK IT!
i got that dubious fact shoved in my face via our GINORMOUS tv and a photo taken of me a week ago with the redheadedposse.



enough fooling myself that i don’t look that different because i do!

11759070_10205949184106775_436865793_ntruth: i have got to get my ass to the gym and control my diet!
i am sedentary and i eat garbage — end of story!
i know what i need to do… anyone who has followed my blog knows that i know what to do as i have done it and lost 75 lbs at one point!
i am just unsure of how to get outta this slump i am in?
i am unhappy at this weight and how i feel because most of the time i am fatigued, my joints hurt and nothing fits!
and yes i know all the stuff about loving yourself the way you are — if i were reading this it is exactly what i would probably tell the person writing it… BUT, i am just not happy where i am both physically and mentally.
i miss feeling fit and being comfortable in my own skin!

truth: i am setting goals regarding how unhappy i am about my present physical condition and by golly i am sticking to them — so expect my blogging to go back to health related topics and my journey to get this weight BACK off me again!
i am currently working on my goals — they shall have their own post — because well, they deserve it!

dce058a4da592cbd818311679cb91cd1truth: blogging about ANY of my journeys always keeps me accountable and most of the time SUCCESSFUL!

11653486_10205764234043139_609077437_ntruth: i cannot believe summer is more than half over.
obviously school is taking up a good portion of my free time — but i have literally been in the pool about three times and haven’t even came remotely close to the beach.
before i know it summer will be behind us and the hustle and bustle of fall, back to school for the kids, the holidays, the fall birthdays and ALL that will be upon us!
the ONLY good thing about that is that it brings me closer to graduation and entering the healthcare profession!!!!

truth: i completely regret writing that post (since deleted) about my marital woes a few months ago.
it was not cool on so many levels but mainly because it was written out of frustration and obviously in haste as i am clearly still married and working on it.
i know i hurt my husband by writing that post — and that was shitty.
beyond shitty.11349821_10205747855713691_1952229267_n
i didn’t write it with the intention of being shitty — i thought i was being honest and that it would help me deal with what i was feeling in that moment.
and yeah, it did, but at the expense of someone i love.
for that i am truly sorry.
despite our differences — he doesn’t deserve me making our life and the issues within it topic for my blog and it was in VERY poor taste for me to ever paint him in a bad light.
that is not typically my style.
i make a conscious effort to try to not speak out of anger — i need to learn to not blog out of anger as well!

truth: my marriage isn’t perfect, but then again no marriage is.
we have been seeking counseling and found an amazing woman to help us and honestly, that type of forum to actually work through our differences is VERY helpful.
i would recommend marriage counseling with the right counselor to ANYONE!
sadly though — since school started and with my homework and study load — we are not getting there as often as we would like to.
i need to make that a priority and haven’t.
that falls on me and not dean.

truth: the truth shall set you free.
what more is there left to say beside that.
blogging the truth and not my angered perception of the truth IS freeing!

truth: you haven’t heard the last of me!

peace, love and margaritas,