written by: cyn
yeah i am back so soon!
the other night after i made my last post i was perusing around on my own blog… rereading shit i have written, looking at pics, etc. etc. etc….
and i came to this mind blowing conclusion.
I AM FULL OF SHIT MOST OF THE TIME.
no, seriously i am.
jeez louise, i cannot fathom why people read my drivel?
because its all pretty mindless and silly… minus the stuff about my kids and such. but in the end… it’s all pretty much a load of crap.
a big ass load of CRAP!
pffffffft… i need to learn to STFU more.
or at least if i have the urge to write… it should at least pertain to something instead of writing just to blab. because honestly, who cares?
case in point… this post.
no content… just me cacking shit per usual.
because clearly i am damn good at that?
so let me regain this post by saying what i really need to say and should say — because it’s the unfortunate truth.
my marriage is falling apart.
my marriage has fallen apart.
i am not ready to go into details as to why or to point a finger and certainly not to bash anyone. my husband and i know what’s up and and we’re dealing (kind of) with it.
but the truth is… i am moving out with my three kids and will be gone before i start school on april 2nd.
it’s not what he wants, but it’s what i need.
and yeah, i am being selfish in that respect, but i’m learning to accept that in certain situations it is totally okay to be selfish.
maybe i am quitter? i don’t see it that way — and honestly i need to be somewhere safe where i can think, take care of my kids and myself and truly concentrate on school — which will be a top priority for me.
i do wish it was here and i do wish it was with him but it’s not… and that is just how it is.
i am not even sure if he is aware that i am blogging again and most likely would be upset that i am divulging this info so freely…
my family and close friends know what is going on and have been beyond supportive and loving… especially when i am faltering and second guessing every decision i make.
lord knows i second guess myself A LOT!
but i have lived in semi-denial for way too long and have forced myself to upkeep the unbearable act of pretending like everything is okay when it’s not and honestly i am exhausted.
E X H A U S T E D beyond E X H A U S T E D…
and yeah, i am sad and angry and then i am sad and angry some more and then i ‘m raving mad and hysterically crying like a mental patient… and then i am just numb.
i suppose that is totally normal too? but it’s not where i expected to be just barely over a year of being married and i feel like an utter failure and like i am just meant to be alone for the rest of my life.
clearly i will never be ALONE… i have three kids, one of which is just five… and an amazing family and a close circle of friends.
i mean alone in the regards to a relationship with the opposite sex.
the truth is — every fucked up situation in my life has somehow involved a man, and i think i am FINALLY getting what the universe has clearly been trying to tell me.
JUST SAY NO!
and i am…
and honestly… dating and men and all that encompasses is SO FAR OFF MY FUCKING RADAR it’s not even the minimalist of blips!
so my life will revolve around raising my daughter, being a mother to my grown sons, going to school and kicking ass, getting back into shape (i am buying a bike because my school is literally right off the local bike path), wine nights with my girls, summer afternoons by the pool and just relearning how to do life again… not a bad gig really.
and please don’t worry about me… i am really okay all considering.
i will admit that there have been some very ugly moments leading up to this… there again, something i am not willing to get into… just very nasty arguments and a lot of crying on my part. (i truly think i have no tears physically left in my body… all dried up like a freakin’ prune!)
but i do think dean is finally accepting the inevitable and at this point i just want to transition out of here as peacefully as i can.
i do wish the man or his son no ill will… i will always love and care about them both.
it’s unfortunate truly and i think we both went into this with good intentions and completely different expectations and no amount of good intentions can fix that.
i do not totally blame him — it takes two people and i own my part in why things ended up the way they are.
i have never been good at handling my frustration and anger and that never helps ANY situation.
i will leave it at that, because i cannot and will not speculate how he feels and as i mentioned earlier — i am not ready to talk details and will not bash him publicly.
so yeah, that’s my life (married life at least) in a nutshell.
it’s bleak and so pathetically sad…but mine all mine!
and i dread the reaction when the rest of our outer circle (which is VAST) finds out…
not because i am embarrassed or ashamed (well maybe a little)…
but because i just don’t want to constantly have to answer the “what happened?” and “why?” or suffer through people who are callous enough to say something like “i knew he wasn’t right for you“.
because you know sure as shit some dumbass out there will go there.
and that is what makes me want to bury my head in the sand and wait until the coast is clear because i just cannot stomach people who think they have the right to be so bold as to ask such questions!
i mean does it really matter why?
or what happened?
or if you think he was right or wrong for me?
it has nothing to do with ANYONE but dean and i and our children.
end of story!
just give me a hug and reassure me that this too shall pass.
that would mean more than anything to me!
yeah, hugs fix everything, right?
that’s what skylar tells me at least…
who’d have thought she’d be my little rock!?!?!
the brightest light at the end of this dark tunnel…
she is one of the main reasons i cannot stay… she deserves to see her mommy happy!
i fully believe in teaching by example and i shudder to think what staying here would teach her?
although, she is far wiser than i will ever be.
when i finally grow up i wanna be JUST like her!
gahhhh… i swear i am gonna get this life thing right one of these days!
peace, love and margaritas,
*** once again i IMPLORE that anyone reading this who may know me in real life… please keep this off facebook and be respectful to dean and i and especially our children through this difficult time. thanks :)